WHY I HATE MOVIES #1
The Australian Singer/Songwriter Nick Cave – most well known for his song ‘People ain’t No Good’ from the ‘Shrek 2’ soundtrack – once said, well, “people ain’t no good.” These are his reasons:
1. You can see it everywhere you look.
2. people never read a single word.
3. winter strips blossoms bare (metaphor)
4. different trees now line the streets (metaphor)
5. fists shake in the air
6. It’s not that in their hearts they are bad, that’s bullshit, people aren’t good.
And there is also some stuff in the song about how we should send our loves a dozen white lillies, pink-eyed pigeon coo, a valentine of blood and how we should let the jilted lovers cry.
Now Nick Cave probably didn’t think to ask (at least literally) whether things in the world suck because people are no good? I would have liked:
“people they ain’t no good
because movies suck
and books suck
and newspapers suck
people they ain’t no good”
He would have to omit “TV” (Television) of course, because without TV then there would be no Bill O Reilly/Jon Stewart flame wars to enjoy. But yeah, I think movies suck, and it’s not that they’ve always sucked – it’s that from the 2000’s onwards the best movie I’ve seen was called ‘2012’ and it was made in ‘2010.’ Roland Emmerich used to tell me how awesome jeff Goldblum and bill pullman were – now he’s all about shakespeare.
Here’s a question to Nick Cave:
‘If you saw Jeff Goldblum on a giant billboard in 2012 would you want to see that movie so badly? Would that movie make over $500,000,000?’
No. Because people ain’t good. It’s a true song.
That’s why movies suck, because people are no longer good. And now that people aren’t good, people aren’t trying, and because they are trying the movies are terrible.
I hate movies because I hate people.
When I was a kid, I liked movies like ‘The Princess Bride,’ ‘Mulan’, ‘Close Encounters of the third kind’ (because it had a crazy french guy in it, and I guess music is the language everyone can understand), ‘Indiana Jones,’ ‘ET,’ and ‘Star Wars’ the originals. Even the special editions. EVEN the prequels – because the opening two minutes are awesome. And the music in the end credits is also good.
Maybe I never liked movies at all? Maybe I just liked John Williams music.
As I grew older I heard about all these young and up and comers:
Martin Scorsese made ‘Taxi Driver’
Brian DePalma made ‘Carrie’
Francis Ford Coppola made ‘The Godfather’
William Friedkin made ‘The Exorcist’
Then I got even more older:
Steven Soderbergh made ‘Sex lies and videotape’
Robert Rodriguez made ‘El Mariachi’
Kathyrn Bigelow made ‘Point Break’
Bigelow, Julie Taymor, Penny Marshall, Nancy Meyers, Nora Ephron proved women could make movies too!
Spike Lee made ‘Do the right thing’
Quentin Tarantino made ‘Reservoir dogs’
Peter Jackson made ‘Lord of the rings’ (started making it in late 1990’s).
The french new wave, and european cinema, and silent/golden hollywood I learned about later. And they’re pretty good too. But fuck you because Jean luc goddard is nearly dead, and francois truffant will always be remembered as the crazy french guy in ‘close encouters.’
Tim Burton was pretty good.
Johnny depp was a decent actor.
And Alfred Hitchcocks ‘Psycho’ had yet to be remade featuring a masturbating Vince Vaughan. It is so messed up to think that Vince Vaughan was someones first choice for Norman Bates! Come to think about it that’s pretty indicitive of the time we live in isn’t it?
Vince vaughan was once a promising dramatic actor, now he’s a joke.
Vince vaughan is the world of movies.
Fuck the endless see of remakes and sequels.
Fuck the jennifer aniston/Kate hudson/sarah jessica movies that make women look bad
Even Kevin Costner can’t headline a movie anymore.
Even Jennifer Garner can’t!
Ellen Page was popular for all of two minutes and now people are like ‘isn’t she the girl from ‘Super’ that fucking crazy movie with dwight shrute smashing people in the head with a wrench. “OH SHIT, SHE WAS IN INCEPTION?!!” I FOROT ABOUT THAT’ should be the catchphrase for the hipster community.
All those film people that I talked about, they used to make movies that were good. Even David Fincher is doing remakes.
And let’s not even talk about 3D.
The best movie of 2011 was directed by Lars Von Trier – may god have mercy on our souls.
My question to you, reader of one, is this:
Who are the only good directors working today?
The answer is this:
Edgar Wright, Michel Gondry, Christopher Nolan and all the above mentioned (except for Robert Rodriguez). Because Rodriguez cheated on his wife, and then made ‘Spy Kids 4’ a movie which is about how children do not accept their fathers new wife.
What happens when all these filmmakers die?!
HUH!? HOLLYWOOD? WHAT HAPPENS THEN!!??
Will cinema die? All these critic top ten best of lists will have nothing in them but Brett Ratner and Zack Synder movies.
I hate movies.
People were good Nick Cave. They were. Now those people are dying and we’re left with idiots like me who can write poorly conceived blogs on a random website, because it’s owner was like “I need more content, so why not?.” Sorry to bring dave into this argument, but he’s a bit soft sometimes. But, I wish I was like that, I wish I could care a little. But everything sucks big ol balls.
And now what would I do if i Had a time machine?
I would travel back to the primordial ooze and defecate into it.
At least then when I came back we wouldn’t have so many freaking ‘reboots’ of ‘SNOW WHITE,’ ‘BEAUTY AND THE BEAST’ and ‘THE WIZARD OF OZ’ in the pipeline.
Or an idiot for a prime-minister.
Peace and love.