‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part One’ isn’t so much a cinematic disaster – as the previous ones are – as it is a competently made, flaccid and truly mean-spirited mess. Much like its main character Edward Cullen; this film has the capacity to inflict such hurt on people; that the effects may not be known for a long time. Read more…
All posts tagged Twilight
First Trailer: ‘AMAZING SPIDER – MAN’ – Reboot? Remake? Unimpressive.
Sony has released the first trailer for ‘AMAZING SPIDER-MAN.’ I hope it’s good – but this trailer doesn’t really sell it. Read more…
‘WATER FOR ELEPHANTS’ Movie Review: Definitely Worth Your Two Hours.
‘Water For Elephants’ impresses with its acting and visuals, whilst the storyline falters.
The film is directed by Francis Lawrence (‘Constantine’ and ‘I Am Legend’) and stars Robert Pattinson (‘Twilight’), Reese Witherspoon (‘Legally Blonde’, ‘Walk The Line.’) and the astonishing Christoph Waltz (‘Inglorious Basterds’).
It is based on a book by Sara Gruen, and I haven’t read it. Even though it comes from literature, It seems to share many similarities with ‘Titanic’ – in particular how the story is framed: The film opens with Jacob Jankowski (Hal Holbrook), an elderly man looking for his son at the local circus. As the circus is closed and its pouring rain two workers take him inside.
‘RED RIDING HOOD’ Movie Review: What Happened To Catherine Hardwicke?
Article by David.
What went wrong with Catherine Hardwicke?
She directed ‘Thirteen’ and ‘Dogtown and Z- Boys’ before unleashing hell onto the earth with the first ‘Twilight’ film – even though she didn’t direct any of the sequels after; she is pretty much responsible because she created that look and style – that the subsequent film-makers had to adhere to. It is a style so bad and so hackneyed that it is infamous – If you are reading this review then chances are you have experienced the awfulness. Read more…
‘I AM NUMBER FOUR’ Movie Review: A Shameless ‘Twilight’ Rip-Off
‘I Am Number Four’ is based on a popular teenage science-fiction book of the same name; written by author Pittacus Lore. Lore is actually the pen-name for disgraced writer James Frey, who infamously had a confrontation with Oprah Winfrey after it was revealed that he had lied about the truth in his popular “true” memoir: ‘A Million Little Pieces’.
Frey was subsequently dropped from his publisher and manager; and thus had to create the pen-name to hide behind. The book and the film of ‘I Am Number Four’ are somewhat complicated and confusing; but they basically follow the story of an alien named ‘Number Four’ – who is one of nine special aliens who have fled their home to hide out on Earth…Four conveniently looks like a human; and is thus played by teen heartthrob Alex Petyfer(‘StormBreaker’).
‘Four’ hides out in Ohio with his protector Henri (Played by Timothy Olyphant; ‘Catch And Release, Die Hard 4). The two of them live their life as fugitives: always on the run from a different race of aliens called the Mogadorians; these evil guys have, in true ‘Superman’ style – have destroyed the ‘Four’s’ home planet: and are now hunting down the special nine aliens one by one. The nine are special because once they turn of age they each develop special powers. The catch here; is that the nine have to be killed in sequence.
‘I Am Number Four’ opens with the death of ‘number three’ and thus our main man is next in line. None of the above is every shown to us; it is hammered into our skulls through painful exposition; scene after scene. There are so many scenes of characters explaining things out loud that it is often cringe worthy. Soon enough; the story gets moving:
You see; things get all mixed up when ‘Four’ falls in love. Its established that Henri and him constantly move from town to town; in the first act of the film they arrive at a town called Paradise (Yep), and it is here he meets some interesting characters. First up is a dorky boy named Sam, whose introduction is complete with a ‘Spiderman’ rip off; where Four protects him from a bunch of bullies through the use of his superpowers. Cool thing about Sam is that his father is a conspiracy theorist – which leads to all sorts of painful exposition.
Secondly he meets the impossible-to-not-have-a-crush-on: Sarah Hart (played by ‘Glees’ Diana Argon) an indie-hipster cute girl who has a passion for photography- He falls for her and because of their love Four no longer wants to live life on the run. The Alien man with powers wants to settle down, but the evil alien race loom in close on their location; and all things soon turn to hell. The evil aliens are ridiculously cheesy – an uninspired rip off of the bad guys in 2009’s ‘Star Trek’ : bald, tattoos, bad teeth etc. It’s shameless actually.
Also in the mix of this is: Number Six (Teresa Palmer); a sexy and mysterious badass alien; who may or may not be trying to protect Four.
It’s all very ‘Superman’ and ‘Terminator’ and for the most part its crushingly standard. The film is directed by D.J Caruso; who may the enjoyable ‘Disturbia’ and the incredibly awful ‘Eagle Eye’. I couldn’t help but feel that the movie was like a really bad episode of ‘The X-Files’ , like a monster of the week special or something. Caruso; directs the movie with little passion and inspiration that the results are no more effective than a run of the mill straight-to-dvd film you might come across on the Sci-Fi Channel. Caruso hasn’t really proven to have a voice yet; and ‘Eagle Eye’ was setting him on the road to becoming quite the Hack director.
Now ‘I Am Number Four’ is no-where near the disaster that that movie was, but its still pretty bad. This property caused a major bidding war in Hollywood; with people like J.J Abrams, Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay all fighting over it. This is strange to me because the material itself is very, very average. Seemingly ripping off all of its elements from other films. Alas the rights ultimately went to Michael Bay, and the film ends up appearing as if it was designed to attract fans of the ‘Twilight Saga’ and to start a franchise. It seems as if it is skewing itself directly to that audience.
Skewing a movie to the ‘Twilight’ audience is a downright bad idea. Especially when ‘Twilight’ isn’t really considered to be a film series of any actual quality (to be fair; it does have an audience and the movies are made specifically for them – just not film fans and critics) I think ‘Twilight’ is utter garbage; but it has a place in this world; but it doesn’t really excuse other films that try to mimic its success by doing nothing but ripping it off.
The rip-off is not new in Hollywood. Formula and cliche sell big. Yes, It is a very cynical process to copy a successful movie and churn out the same thing over and over again- but its a business and as long as people keep paying for crap; then Hollywood will keep pumping out uninspired turds. Quality control barely even comes into the equation anymore, and cynical moves like that result in movies like ‘I Am Number Four’ , which in this case is a very formulaic picture. If it’s not stealing elements from ‘Superman’, ‘The Terminator’, ‘Star Trek’, ‘Spiderman’ or ‘The Matrix’, then it is cribbing the exact same pacing and beats of the first ‘Twilight’ flick.
There is seriously nothing original about ‘I Am Number Four’- and the worst thing about it is that it shamelessly rips off ‘Twilight’.
I’ll just digress for a moment and break down the first ‘Twilight’ movie: that film begins with a young girl Bella; coming to a school she is unfamiliar with; she makes few friends, but soon falls in with a strange group who turn out to be Vampires. For almost the entire duration Bella swoons for Edward Cullen and the two go back and forth; it is only at the beginning of the third act that any tension arises and an actual plot begins. The third act is action filled, and then it ends with a cliffhanger of sorts.
‘I Am Number Four’ is almost the exact same formula; except perhaps it is even more cynical than ‘Twilight’. Caruso, producer Michael Bay, and screenwriters Alfred Gough and Miles Miller take almost the exact same pacing and beats and basically reverse the situation: it is as they re-imagined the first ‘Twilight’ movie to have taken place through the perspective of Edward Cullen: i.e. the main character played byRobert Pattinson.
Pattinson stand-in: Alex Petyfer plays the Cullen role here; he isn’t called to do much but pose for the ladies – but he can actually act as well. ‘I Am Number Four’ opens with him coming to a school he is unfamiliar with, he makes few friends, but soon meets a girl and makes her fall in with a strange group that turn out to be Aliens. For almost the entire duration Number Four swoons for Sarah and the two go back and forth; it is only at the beginning of the third act that the villains arrive and bring some tension; and an actual plot begins. The third act is action filled, and then it ends with a cliffhanger of sorts.
I have not read the book by Pittacus Lore/James Frey; so I cannot attest to how much of the movie comes from the novel; but the film as it was, came across as a very cynical attempt to capitalize on the success of ‘Twilight’.
Now none of this would have been an issue if ‘I Am Number Four’ just wasn’t so painfully boring and lazily written. Some much of it consists of bland-exposition and bad dialogue – it is surprisingly un-cinematic (until the third act) too much time is spent telling an audience what is going on as opposed to showing us.
Unlike that other franchise, this movie is actually well acted -even Petyfer; who I had unfairly dismissed as a “pretty-boy” was fine. Diana Argon is beautiful and charismatic, I always think Teresa Palmer is great and she needed more screen-time in this film. Timothy Olyphant; is his usual weird,wacky; oddly-creepy self; and relative newcomer Callan McAuliffe was great as Sam; the friend.
It is definitely not the casting that lets the movie down; nor is it any of the technical aspects. The film was shot on a comparatively cheaper hollywood budget of $50-60 million; so its easy to excuse some of the film’s underproduced elements – most of the money was clearly spent of CGI; and since most of that doesn’t even occur until the finale it is understandable for the rest of it to look undervalued.
The cinematography is by Guillermo Navarro (who has shot films for Robert Rodriguez, Guillermo Del Toro, Quentin Tarantino, and Jon Favreau) he does an acceptable job here; providing images that are worth looking at.
Director D.J Caruso fairs better here than he has in earlier projects; helping to get some decent performances out of his young and relatively inexperienced actors – and staging some great action sequences- but its all very throwaway – there doesn’t seem to be much passion involved; and thus the whole production reeks of Studio involvement. Caruso is talented for sure and he is slated to direct an upcoming film adaptation of the comic book ‘Y: The Last Man’ – I am a huge fan of that series and If you haven’t read it then I highly, highly recommend you do. However, films like ‘Eagle Eye’ and this one, don’t exactly fill one with much hope.
Ultimately there are so many elements that are half-decent, and even elements to like: in ‘I Am Number Four’ but it is a shame that a lot of it went to waste on a hackneyed, uninspired and very-average screenplay. It’s the screenplay that lets down every single other aspect and at the end of the day we are left with a project that seems to exist purely to create a profit and to start a franchise.
It’s all so cynical, and this taints all the good work done. ‘I Am Number Four’ will most likely work for the ‘Twilight’ crowd (because they seem to not care much about quality – as long as it ticks their boxes) – but anybody else should probably give this one a miss.
4 out of 10.
David’s review of THE RUNAWAYS
The Runaways review.
After seeing The Runaways there is a great feeling of just having missed a train. Everything’s all fine and well for a while, then it derails somewhere and you wind up stuck at some platform. The ingredients are there for it all to work, but it just doesn’t capitalize on what it could have been, it ends up being slightly above average, but for a movie about “the seminal all girl band” The Runaways falls heavily short of what it should have been.
The film is set during the mid to late 1970’s and tracks the development of the girl band. From its dirty southern Californian depraved teenager roots; to its eventual all encompassing shit-storm breakdown which causes the break up of the band.
Kristen Stewart plays the rock goddess to be: Joan Jett and Dakota Fanning plays lead singer with a sex complex; Cherrie Curie. The film begins with Jett tracking down sleaze-bag record producer Kim Fowley (played by Michael Shannon) and convincing him to start her a band, you see she’s rebellious and her music’s different, in a time in which sweet cheesy pop hits were delegated to women and men got all the rock glam; Fowley sees a niche. Through his pedophiliac methods of selection, along with Jett’s savvy, they gather up a band. Flicking through a magazine he sees the image of sexpot Bridgette Bardot, and bickety bam, he has an image. With Jett’s rock prowess and sexpot “jailbait” Currie’s appeal, it’s set. The band escalates from garage roots to packed stadiums in Japan over just a few years, but infighting, drug use and whatever else is required in a musical biography threaten to destroy the band. Jett’s about the music and it seems no-one cares.
The Runaways is very well directed. Floria Sigismondi was an installation artist, with background in video and photography. It’s an interesting choice. After spending three years myself in art school I witnessed many talented video artists squandering their talents on pretentious airy fairy videos, filled with static soundtracks and excruciatingly long takes and mumbling, lots of mumbling. Sigismondi doesn’t bring any of that here; like many of those students she has a great eye for visuals and framing.
In art school you see a lot of films which had a sensibility that would be well suited to narrative film-making, it seems that some producers might have seen this potential in Sigismondi, and it’s a risk, and she doesn’t fully nail her own script, but she clearly cares. The film is strikingly beautiful in a grunge, grit sort of way, basically she proves beyond it all that she was the right choice, and with the amazing performances she was able to get out of the cast, she is definitely a film-maker to watch…maybe not much of a writer, but she’s absolutely excellent non-the-less.
Maybe she shouldn’t have been given the script to write. It’s based on Cherrie Currie’s autobiography Neon Angel and is apparently a very watered down version of the events that took place, which begs the question “why avoid them?”.
An example would be the Fowley character, a renowned scumbag, who slept around with teenagers and was excessively into drugs, the version in the movie gives him pedophiliac undertones, but doesn’t go full out. The same could be said about the feminism approach, it never fully gels. It wasn’t like I was asking for graphic scenes or anything (we do get some, like the much hyped, beautifully shot, but underwhelming Stewart/Fanning pash), but Currie the character felt robbed, because of a key moment that was removed. When she was young she was raped, and with that knowledge the performance of Fanning becomes more nuanced, it goes great lengths to underpin her sexual complexity. Frankly all the scenes of her in scantily clad clothing and the sex and drugs, seemed oddly out of place with the removal of this key fact.
Things like this plague the runaways. Throughout the entire picture it’s almost impossible to sympathize with the band, Jett and Currie come across most of the time as despicable people, and the greatest shame is that the rest of the band get relegated lines. Yes. Lines. Some of the band actually don’t speak at all the entire time.
At 106 minutes, with credits, you can’t help but wonder if this film was much, much longer. It feels massively truncated, and with a very watered down subject matter its not out of order to suggest that a much longer cut is out there. It’s not the story of the Runaways it’s the story of Joan Jett… through the eyes of Cherrie Curie. As a movie about these two it works like gangbusters. The turmoil, sexual tension and egos are extremely well handled, but probably more because of the actresses involved. Fanning is great as usual, she’s just a phenomenon at this point and she’s only sixteen, she gives a brave and uncompromising performance, and lets it all hang out. A nomination wouldn’t be a surprise with her.
Now, Kristen Stewart, she is an unfairly maligned actress I’ve always thought. As much as she is horrible in Twilight, that franchise is too overly hyped to take it seriously as a hallmark of her career, besides the character is an empty shell, and she hasn’t exactly had an amazing director to carry her through those pictures. Panic Room, Adventureland, the girl is a great actress, and as Jett she is just stunning; nailing the mannerisms, voice and the vocals, Oh fuck me; the vocals, When she sings in the flick it gives you chills how spot on it is. She is one actress to watch, and when Twilight is over maybe people will give her a right chance. The rest of the cast do what they can, Shannon as Fowley makes an impression but his character gets sidelined pretty much by the second half. Everyone else might as well be cardboard.
Like that train, The Runaways begins to derail somewhere around the second half, around when the band gets big. It loses all the love of the music and passion stuff, it loses the innocence at play themes and just runs with your typical Almost Famous storyline. Why is the lead singer more popular? Money? Drugs? We can’t be creative anymore, blah blah. You’ve seen it all before. There is even the scene where the publicity comes back and the band argue because the lead singer is up front and center and not them. Yes, it is exactly the t shirt scene from Almost Famous.
The irritating thing is that the first half of The Runaways is unique and different and feels like its going somewhere, but it takes a turn and winds up as a massive forgone conclusion, we know the outcome of the band, we know Jett’s future success, what we needed was a story about the band, not a story about Curries ego; as well handled as that aspect is.
The cinematography, soundtrack, 70s period detail and acting may be amazing, but it all really doesn’t matter if the audience doesn’t care. With the edge gone and the predictably rising at the rate is does; the film just stumbles to an expected end. “I love Rock and Roll” Jett screams near the end, if it wasn’t for the performances like hers in the film, than we just may not have believed it. The Runaways is not a horrible film by any means, there is a lot to love, a lot to go crazy about even, but it just never gets there, and it’s such a shame because everything but it’s script works just so damn well.
7 out of 10.
I took a notebook to TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE
TWILIGHT ECLIPSE REVIEW
By David.
What follows is a review of sorts for The Twilight Saga Eclipse. I brought along a notebook to a public screening and wrote down every thought that came to mind. The following is an unedited transcription from the note book.
-Here we go again, feels like I’m in Anne Franks attic or Auschwitz or something, there is just death in the air.
-Salt looks crap.
-Tomorrow When the War Began horrible trailer, not a bad flick though, shows the whole movie, none of the bad acting. Lee is not in the trailer; you’ll soon find out why.
-Harry Potter 7. Sorry, not sold. If you hadn’t read the books this trailer would piss you off, ruins the whole film/s.
-Knight and Day, so sick of this trailer, I’m considering skipping this one. I wonder if Tom Cruise will end up with Cameron Diaz at the end?
-Movie starting
-Rain behind the logo, it’s the audiences’ tears.
-Ha ha they played a song for five seconds before it changed to score. For soundtrack sales I guess.
-Oh! It’s one of those “who goes there?” in the shadows scenes.
-I know! I’ll run to the dock, surely there will be an escape there. Wow he gets a tiny scratch and he screams that loud? Yes I know, it’s painful already.
-Voiceover: “I think I know enough of hate”: no, no you don’t!
-More of the flower sh*t!
- “marry me”
- “Change me, turn me into a housemate”
- “compromise, Coercion, it’s not fair” sounds like the reasons for the popularity of this franchise.
- Wow the dialogue is f*$king godawful, worse than the last one.
- “Marry me”
- “I can’t”
- WHAT!?
- Newspaper headline : ‘Murders: Could be a Serial Killer” yeah could be…
- Stewart looks bored.
- the Dad doesn’t know Edward is a vampire yet and he still hates him. As there is no other characteristic of Edward I don’t blame him, it seems fair he would think this way.
- Soundtrack, tween angst #1
- haha, Jacob’s handwriting is like a girls.
- HEY! Bella actually drives her own car in this one!
- Oh wait, spoke too soon, it doesn’t start.
- Here comes Edward to drive it for her.
- Turns out he broke it so that she couldn’t leave. Of course this logic implies that no woman would know anything about how to fix a car, which you can presumably do from sitting in the drivers seat. (I’m guessing she just needed a man to start it?) Eh, I should be used to this misogynist bullsh*t by now.
- Wait so let me get this straight, we had to spend two films waiting for Bella to not be able to decide between Edward and Jacob, give me a f*$king break.
-School
-Friend: “everything is possible if you just believe”
-Friend: “Life doesn’t need cliches”
-Friend: “This will change lives, It’ll be fun, Its what you said last time”
-F*$K, I love how Meta bella’s friends always are. They always have a go at the material with backhanded compliments.
-It’s funny how they use the ominous music to let you know that the cullens are thinking.
-it’s ten or so minutes in and i’m already lost. Seattle? LIke in Frasier?
-I love how the dad hates Edward, finally they added a character that is actually relatable.
-This scene is pointless.
-Bella stands and stares at the ocean. Enough said. There is voiceover.
-Someone refers to douche as “the Edward Program”
-Hey Bella heres your birthday present, it’s what every young teenage girl wants, a QUILT, and Bella next year you get a dishwasher, and then the year after a kitchen. Not so subtle housewife misogyny bull crap.
- “I miss you mom” They hug it out.
-The cullens stand in the woods in perfect formation, calvin klein, album covery. Posing, I can’t believe what’s going on…
-Where the hell did this action scene come from?
-It consists of jumping, jumping and more jumping. Looks like Matrix stuff.
-Hey Bryce Dallas Howard made it out of M’nights Village apparently.
-someone should put that song ‘jump around’ to this scene…Jump! jump! jump! JUMP AROUND!!! I can’t believe they actually got away with a whole action scene entirely consisting of jumping.
-CGI is sh*t. Wolves suck.
-Is this supposed to be cool? It looks like a fan video.
-Jump, jump, jump
-POINTLESS!
-there is a shot of sunset, it cuts to…daylight?
-Oh surprise, surprise, Edward drives Bella around again.
-Soundtrack hit #3
-Jacobs introduced. he spins around to some deep bass music in slow motion. Chicks everywhere get wet.
-The funny thing is if girls didn’t look only at his abs they would see that he has the most lifeless dead eyes of any recent actor. The guy just looks like a moron, how many actors do you see where you can LITERALLY SEE THEM THINKING ABOUT THEIR LINES.
-Alice has a flash? what is this lazy sh*t? Something needs to happen in this movie already.
-Jacob and Bella argue:
- “I’m trying to protect you”
- “By lying to me?”
- “where going to talk about this”
- “so talk about it”
This sort of dialogue has happened in no other films since the last one. Where people just talk about nothing for no reason, and in these movies it’s talking about not talking. F*$K, it doesn’t make sense. CUT THE SCENES. Make the movie half as long, fit in more sessions a day. Make more money.
-Seriously, how could a fan miss lines from the novel such as: “where going to talk about this”, “so talk about it”. sh*t.
-Jacob gets on a motorbike, even though he seems to have only just arrived at the school. Talk about stalker.
-wow that highway is long, must have been an awkward ride, but like the last movie people wait til they get to destinations before talking. Why do the songs only play for about 4 seconds. Oh yeah soundtrack.
-None of the werewolves have shirts, not surprised.
-”her name is clearwater”. yeah, says cheif longhorn of the native ameri….I mean werewolves. F*$K i forgot about the shameless stereotyping.
-why is jacob pushing the motorbike when he could just ride it? Oh yeah, because they are talking?
“wolf telepathy”
-f*$k that.
“Painfest”
-that this is Jacob.
-oh sh*t I feel a migraine coming on.
-IMPRINTING!?!
-”imprinting is like when you see someone…everything changes…you can do anything…be anything”
- “Sounds like you know the feeling”
- If you replace the word ‘Imprinting’ with ‘Cumming’ it makes it all hilarious.
- F*$K Jacob is a crybaby, he even throws sh*t around the house, because thats what all men do. He is meant to be a bada*s werewolf right? All he does is whinge and pine and stare at Bella with rape eyes.
- For f*$kf*$ks sake mate, take some time with acting classes, instead of the gym
- Bella: “Edward was right, I shouldn’t have come” Maybe you could make a decision for yourself Bella, or do you need Edward to drive you there?
-Vampires smell panties that they find in drawers. They just keep finding ways to make them more creepy don’t they?
-Edward comes into the house and recognizes a scent, just after they showed the other vampire smelling panties.
-Cullens talk about stuff. Blah blah blah Victoria. Blah blah blah Voltari.
-the cullens are funny cats, this Blonde cullen with a mole is reading of cards she is that bad.
-Jacob is in a tank top now. This movie is like strip poker.
“We’re done here”
-I was thinking the same thing.
-Voice over: “it was about my safety” was it? thanks for that.
-To protect Bella the cullens stand like models in a perfect little patch in the woods outside her house. Album cover bullsh*t.
-Jacob went from a shirt, to a tank top, to shirtless. “Don’t you own a shirt?” why address this? The fans are not that stupid…wait…they aren’t…no wait..sigh
-no dumba*s, shut up
-People laugh out loud.
-HAHA Bella didn’t drive AGAIN! They are really hitting this theme of submission home.
- Jacob takes Bella to a native amer…werewolf council meeting. Theres fire and chief longhorn speaks.
- Nothing, Nothing has happened yet.
- What the f*$k was that?
- Man this fire “great spirit warrior” crap is doing my head in. Who writes this? This scene is just embarrassing.
-FLASHBACK! Vampires and werewolves in the…THE NEW WORLD!!!! You have got to be sh*tting me! F*$K this is the dumbest thing i’ve ever seen.
-What the hell is this fire and ice thing? I don’t understand. I do really, but it cant but as simple as hot and cold? Can it?
-So overly dramatic.
-In the NEW WORLD! People apparently can’t talk, they can only scream in poorly acted fits of rage.
-the misogyny is a bit much to take, a woman kills herself for no reason.
-exposition, exposition, exposition .
- “our magic awakens when they are near, it’s in our blood” f*$k me, it’s like a virus. Heard a theory that the werewolves in this are gays, and that mormonism teaches that a woman can make any gay turn straight. So the “magic” is aids, and bella can turn gays (Jacob) straight. Fits right in with this excruciatingly long exposition scene that tells us nothing.
-So we are in the seattle soundstage now.
-Vampires are doing something.
“what did you do to me?” a kid screams.
-MARBLE MEN! Crack, it’s funny how the heros of this movie break so easily, like fine china. Can someone explain why they turn to stone?
-Why do I put myself through this?
-An army of slimy pussy vampires who fight for love or something.
-Bella: “do you think they should give up?”
-I say now I won’t.
-Bella is a non-character.
-kill me
-Camera zooms out and they hug.
-So she’s with Jacob again.
-no plot has begun yet.
-they are obviously against a blue screen
- “I just want to do this differently…Im out of time”
- uh what Jacob?
- “you need to hear the truth”
- “I want to choose”
- “I don’t buy it”
- “you feel something else, but you wont admit it. I’m going to fight for you till your heart stops beating. You won’t have to change for me” fuuuuucccking bad
- thats right bella feel that “flesh and blood and warmth” and abs.
- F*$K! Jacob forced himself on Bella and she had to hit him. This guy is a rapist. Bella hurts here wrist.
- The funny thing is that after this Jacob drove her home in her truck.
- Man they should just have a threesome, Chasing Amy style.
- Doctor Cullen mends bella’s wrist but wrapping a bandage on it, glad to see his putting his medicine to practice still. I miss the classical music. Funny how bella couldn’t figure out how to bandage a wrist.
- “got any leads?”
- Just f*$king go to seattle already damnit!
- Rosalie is a horrible actress.
- I cannot wait for this movie to end.
- “you have a choice and you are choosing wrong” hahahaha.
- The bluescreen is rubbish.
- “All I want is a husband, kids and a nice home….I was in love with the idea of love” You have got to be kidding me!
- Even in her flashback, men just force themselves on women. All they do is just sh*t all over them, it seems to be a running theme in this movie. Quite worrying.
- Twilight Eclipse: Supporting Rape
- “I was a little theatrical back then”
- Yes, yes you were.
- Voiceover: “frozen, never moving forward” just like the damn plot of this movie. When will something happen!?
- Basic theme summary: All a woman ever needs is a husband and kids. Invulnerability and everlasting love come second. As long as he has a good body, then he can rape away and they will submit, no questions asked. F*$King disgusting.
-Scene opens on a vampire screaming: “What did I say about a low profile!!!” A dude is screaming, they flipped a car, its now on flames, people are dancing and screaming, they haven’t go any attention yet, so why scream as loud as you can?
-I don’t see the point of any of this seattle stuff/
-Dakota Fanning.
-The tall Voltari sounds like he is dubbed over.
- “arrow” thats actually a vampires name.
- “Decide we must”
- “then it’s time to decide”
- “then decide”
- “decisions…decisions”
Such good dialogue.
-I love how the music is so ominous – like you need to be told how to feel.
-Graduation.
-After 100 years of high school Edward finally completes.
-Up in the air girl gives a speech: “this is the time of your life…the time to make mistakes…fall in love, and break up blah blah blah”
-She basically tells everyone to f*$k up their life, and they all applaud her.
-Do stupid sh*t, you will be rewarded.
-Party
-this party makes no sense at all, why are there werewolves there? Its a high school grad party, Jacob clearly has no education. Can’t remember if he went to school, I think he rides away on his motorbike after the morning bell.
-If I ever meet taylor lautner, i’m going to ask him basic math, there is no intelligence viewable in this guy. He just has a rape stare the entire time.
-He is whiny, acts like a , has a rapist stare still. Can six pack abs really cloud all of this from a woman?
-Alice has another of those flashes.
“go to seattle, or don’t go”
-The ENTIRE FILM is just a series of Einee, miny, minee, mo’s. Should we get together, should we not? Should we go to seattle, should we not? Should we care? no.
-the actors look so bored.
“they are after bella?” Jacob says “what does this mean?” what a smart cookie he is.
-Jasper acts with his cheekbones, it’s funny.
-doctor cullen is almost impossible to understand.
-”Jake, do you know what you are getting yourself into” I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know anything Bella.
-I can’t believe this, Edward drives Bella again!
-jesus christ.
-The wolves come, ASLAN! NARNIA!
-”they came thats what matters”
-this movie isn’t even funny bad – its just horrible melodramatic crap.
-training
-there are two important things to know about fighting werewolves.
- Don’t hold back
- Don’t lose focus
-seriously.
-training montage! YES!
-they fight like its cirque de soleil.
-fighting in twilight eclipse consists of running really really fast at each other and who-ever pushes the other one furthest away wins. It’s like sumo wrestling. But yeah, fat people don’t exist in these movies for obvious reasons.
- “never turn your back on an enemy”
- Surprise, surprise the women can’t fight, they can only kiss.
- I’m half expecting someone to say ‘in a fight remember to not die’. Jesus.
-okay. Jacob is in werewolf form, and NO JOKE he is the size of two horses. What the f*$k is it with werewolves, everything is huge. In new moon it was those Muffins, seriously go back to that movie and look at the muffins they eat! Then it was egos, and then crying sessions, then body again, now wolf form. That wolf is the size of a house! for f*$ks sake, bella standing tall reaches the wolves neck. It’s a joke.
-f*$king ridiculous.
-she rubs the beast very erotically. Beastiality. Made worse because edward gets jealous.
-Hey edward, if you are worried about losing bella, i suggest you join a gym and get a six pack, because thats aparrantley all you need to get bella to love you, i promise.
-Jasper dude, has a flashback. Because he said “I never lost a fight”
-THE CIVAL WAR! hahahahahahahahaa.
-only women we see from this time period are prostitutes. Funny that isn’t it?
-”I can never stop once i’ve started” because i’m a woman and I need a man to make a decision for me.
-these little episodes of vampire history are beyond a joke.
-so jasper gets bitten. Losing a fight. “i’ve never lost a fight” i remember him saying that. one minute ago!
-what the f*$k, this movie seems to be missing the one thing that women claim to love so much, the romance? Bella and Edward and Jacob barely seem like they are in the movie, even considering they are in EVERY SCENE.
-its all flashbacks and nonsense. It’s all epic like its a story worth being epic, its just .
-Enough with the flashbacks already.
-this is a joke, it has to be. There is no way, no way women are just so manipulative and cheap and fickle and superficial like they are portrayed in this movie.
-Newborn armies? right.
-Newborn armies suck a*sa*s.
-okay, okay, okay…Bella had a dream right. She dreamed about Victoria. Therefore the cullens begin to take action. Based on….based on a dream.
-F*$K this franchise/
-f*$k this franchise
-f*$k this franchise
-Who are these people? These newborns? why doesn’t anyone explain them.
- Bella: “It’s dangerous so I have to hide. It’s dangerous for us to be apart”.
- Edward: “the only way i can protect you blah blah crap”
they meet jacob in the middle of a field. He has no shirt on.
-what the sh*t is this stuff about scents?
-I love how for the plan to work jacob has to literally carry bella. Whether it be motorcylces, cars or on foot, this woman just will not do anything for herself.
-why does he carry her? I don’t know, she can’t walk? Hell it’s been established she can’t drive.
-It’s embarrassing how bad this scene is. Jacob carried Bella through the woods. It makes for the most awkward delivery of lines.
-Stewart keeps looking away. I feel sorry for her.
-”It has nothing to do with loyalty, its how you make someone feel”
-holy sh*t, Bella actually drove herself!
“your alibi for the battle”
-wait? what? battle? huh? she needs an alibi? what was it, im going to the beach?
-”house to yourselves”
-”like alone?”
-no, yourself and alone are two different things.
-god, kill me.
-Its amazing this movie, its been like 3 hours and all that has happened so far is:
- There is a battle coming up
- Bella wants Jacob or Edward
thats it.
-Dad/Bella
-I love how there is a whole scene about “marriage and it’s value”. It’s disgracefully obvious that the movie is pandering to women, even whilst portraying them as misogynistic, superficial, dumbells.
-Yay, the trademark cullen classical music is back!
“theres the bed”
“edward is old school” what?
WHAT? Old. School.
-here we go again, with the marriage is a condition thing. This bloody mormon misogynistic propaganda crap all over again.
-she wants to f*$k, but he just can’t.
-Men around the world remember to use the whole “we should get married” thing next time they can’t get it up. Nice save edward.
-Its funny how Jacob just blatantly tries to Rape Bella continuously.
“It’s too dangerous”
“Just try”
-God she is just amazingly submissive.
-The music in this scene – the goddamn music when they kiss. god. no. no. no
-Shes probably thinking about jacob here when making out with edward.
-They f*$k? No. no they don’t. because.because….because….ummm:
“believe me I want to…I just want to be married to you first”
-mate, it’s been 100 years…
“it’s not virtuos”
-I’m concerned about this. what the sh*t! is this!
- “I’m from a different ere where things weren’t so complicated..”
- yeah like Jacob, that dude is complicated. Like complex, you know, like. like. like. hes like really smart. like he reads and stuff.
- “…werent so complicated…ice tea on the porch”
-Yeah that works all the time, hey babe, want some ice tea on the porch? Sounds like a sex position.
-”I would have got down on one knee and presented you a ring”
-You know I wonder what women who have been proposed to in incredibly romantic and unique ways have to say to Edwards mundane predictability?
-She says yes anyway.
-Almost every scene the two have together ends with them hugging in slow motion. It just makes you remember that we arent moving forward.
-Broken record. Broken Record. Broken Record.
-Man what happened to Bryce Dallas Howard? She is so lifeless here, you can tell from her eyes. She had more life filled eyes in the village and in that movie her character was blind.
“you’ll have the numbers and you’ll be able to anticipate their every move”
-that sounds like something the movie producers said to Stephanie Meyer
-Bryce Dallas Howard has a look of sheer embarrassment and cluelessness in her eyes.
- About half an hour of this movie consists of people pashing.
- You know this movie doesn’t need to be about vampires/werewolves really.
- I’m so over complaining about the rapage of vampire/werewolf mythology but f*$k this movie can’t even get its own myth making accurate. Edward is in the sunlight but not shining for example.
- Meyer just adds sh*t like ‘werewolf telepathy’ and ‘scent’ when it’s convenient. F*$King idiot.
-so bella puts a speck of blood on a tree. Jacob shows up to carry her, because she cant walk remember. Women don’t walk when shirtless men are around.
-Edward shines on a cliff top overlooking the world.
-Vampires rise out of the water like brando in apocolypse now.
-I hope this is the third act. You can’t tell though.
-why does edward have a tent, when vampires don’t sleep?
-Jacob ends up not fighting, he just stands there on the sideline acting like a pussy.
-Even in the f*$king BLIZZARD he still wears no shirt.
-this is just f*$king sickening.
-Jacob to edward: “i’m hotter than you”
-man, this is ridiculous.
-It’s funny in this very brokeback mountain scene, jacob has more chemistry with edward than either of them have with bella.
-f*$k, bella is cold, so jacob, infront of edward, gets into bed with bella, to “warm her up” ahem. Heard of a blanket mate?
-”survival 101”
-more like Rape 101. dirty rapist pig.
-Jacob might be hiding some sleeping pills or roofies somewhere.
- Jacob: “I can’t quit you Edward” (not actually said – implied)
- Stewart can’t even pretend to be asleep.
- “She’s in love with you too, me too!” thats a real line.
- i am you, you are me, we are all in this together, I am the walrus, goo goo ga joo.
- Edward and Jacob have gay chemistry. “I might be better for her than you are”
- F*$K jacob is a creepy persistent basta*d. All he clearly wants is to ‘imprint’ on bella.
- Because of his abs (there is only creepiness/ basta*dy behind this) i wouldn’t be surprised if bella allowed him to treat her horribly.
- this scene just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and NOTHING happens in it.
- Edward “There are no words, but I wouldn’t waste them on anyone if there were” THEN WHY IS THIS SCENE STILL GOING ON!!!!???
- and on and on and on.
- I want to get out of here.
- I think Bella wants the two of them in a threeway.
- finally the scene is over.
-Now she’s outside the tent. Not cold anymore
-That was pretty much the most horrible blue screen. Clearly a stage.
“top ten favorite evenings…number 1 is when you said you married me”
“You’re marrying him?”
“you knew he was listening?” He was only ten meters away and you were talking on a CLIFF FACE overlooking the entire woodland
-”DONT!” apparently she will only let Jacob touch her.
-”I’m done! I”M DONE!” yeah, your career
-”Give me one good reason”
-I’ll give you twenty
-”not good enough”
-how about wear a t-shirt when you are in a blizzard
-”Jacob Kiss ME!”
-uh, okay. Are we supposed to like Bella? I supposed the music tells me what to feel anyway.
-MTV movie award for best kiss goes to…
-someone actually says: “your abs”
-how much more of this movie is their to go?
-Edward has no physical/emotional reaction to Jacob cutting his grass. I don’t know if thats the character or the actors fault?
-”you saw?”
-again, only on top of a giant cliff
-I love how the cullens just stand in a giant american Idol line while waiting to fight.
-fight.
-slow motion.
-people fall backwards
-they break like fine china?
-none of the characters care about the fight.
-edward can read thoughts, he says those thoughts out loud because we probably wouldn’t understand whats going on “he’s good”
-what the hell is this?
-Why do they turn to stone?
-I thought Dakota Fanning was in this movie?
-Tripods anyone?
-”she is close, I can hear her thoughts” thanks Edward.
-this is a joke
-I love how as soon as it becomes a confrontation Bella cowers behind Edward using him as a shield. Strong female character there
-”you want her, you want me to feel the pain?”
-F*$K Patterson needs to quit acting
-Victoria’s rages are just atrocious, she climbs trees as well.
-Just end.
-please, please end.
-wow what a waste of an entire movie, she was THAT EASY to kill.
-bella grabs a rock to slash her wrist, but people are laughing because it’s shot so poorly it looks like she is picking it up to fight with it.
-So bella’s blood drives people like edward crazy?
-why do wolves only bite shins and shoulders when they could easily rip off heads.
-wow that battle was easy
-Victoria loses her head “don’t get ahead of yourself Austin” “she got ahead of herself”
-”somethings wrong”
-woah thats a lot of flame from one lighter. Vampires: highly flammable – except not in sunlight.
-Dakota fanning!
-okay so the cullens can have flashes and feel emotions and scents, isn’t there a way they could use this stuff to i don’t know, trace werewolves steps?
-The werewolves transform back, still wearing their clothes
-so the battles over, why isn’t the movie?
-Voltari “they’re coming” slowly but surely
-I love how the voltari remove their hoods in perfect synchronization
-”It appears we missed an entertaining fight”
-no, no you didn’t
- “why did you come?”
- I’m asking myself the same thing
- “who created you?”
- A mormon with no imagination
- None of this makes particular sense, why has it got be so convuluted all it really is is Bella loves a vampire, werewolves hate vampires. End of plot.
- If they can read minds why do they bother talking?
- “the voltari dont give second chances”
- They give like 5, 6 or 7.
- why the hell won’t this end?
-Jacob is no screaming like a little toddler lost in the shopping center.
-Funny how we hear Jacob screaming, and as soon as the doctor cullen walks outside the screaming stops. That’s the power of vampire medicine.
-How do they get away with a movie as bad as this, I don’t get it. This movie will make more than Toy Story 3, it’s just not fair on cinema
-This is a cinematic abortion – Literally, LITERALLY nothing has happened. Nothing.
PLOT: Bella refuses marriage to edward, sh*t happens in seattle, Jacob wants bella, now here we are…
-Man i can’t imagine the book of this
-THIS! THIS IS A BOOK! even the thought of that is crazy. There is nothing in the movie, how the f*$k is their nothing in a 500 page book!!!!!
-Drinking game for eclipse: Every time Jacob says “feelings” or “why?” have a shot.
-”I’m exactly right for you, It’s as easy as breathing to me” what was it Jacob called stuff like this earlier? “painfest?” yeah.
-Poor little baby Jacob. He barely fought in the battle and survived it with a broken arm. Boo hoo. YOU COULD HAVE DIED a*sa*shole! You could have killed Bella your love, you could have gotten all your family and friends KILLED and you are crying this badly over a woman who doesn’t want you and a broken arm. Pathetic.
-just pathetic writing
- Why doesn’t he just imprint to her in his dreams and move on. I know rejection like it’s nobody’s business, the worst thing you can do is try to rape and guilt trip her. She just doesn’t want you. Move the f*$k on. Bella had a hot mom anyway.
-FLOWERS! Again!
-they’ve spent the entire movie, from the opening scene talking about the exact same thing they were at the beginning.
-since we are now back at the SAME LOCATION it’s almost as if the scenes in between didn’t happen.
-the ENTIRE film is redundant.
-scene 1: “will you marry me?” “no”
-final scene: “will you marry me?” “yes”
-”you’ve already given up to much”
-Way too much screentime. This has been over two hours for flips sake.
- “This wasn’t a choice between you and jacob” oh yes it was, what else was the movie?
- “It was a choice between who I am” Yes whether you love Abs on dark skinned men, or Abs on very pale skinned men. Still a choice.
- Bella Swan, you are a despicable creation, a major misogynist portrayal of a woman. A man directed this movie and you can tell. It’s almost like an in joke.
- Bella is 18 or something, she has a whole life she is throwing away, why jump into marriage? At least move in together first, or get a puppy (they could get Jacob) – Edward and Bella already clean up after his crap as it is.
- “I’ve never felt more real”
- I’ve had the opposite reaction to you
- “It’s my world too, It’s where I belong?” Yeah, on the page probably
- Okay hold up, who EXACTLY is this movie made for? The audience? Edward should at least know enough about her to judge that she clearly doesn’t belong in the vampire world. Who does exactly?
- I still hold up that these vampires could live normally in the world, even with shining diamond skin. If a dude walked down the street with diamond glowing skin you’re first reaction wouldn’t be “vampire”. And besides The cullens have proved it for years. Edward has been in school for 100 years.
- I don’t know what vampires want? What do they want? They have everything? The only reason bella needs to be a vamp….sigh whatever
- And the movie keeps going and going
- Limping to the end.
- And it’s done.
- I guess we’ll be back to page one the next movie.
- I cannot believe NOTHING happened in 2 and a bit hours.
- Nothing
- at
- all
- f*$k.
I took a notebook to TWILIGHT: NEW MOON…
In um…celebration…of the upcoming Twilight film: ‘ECLIPSE’ I am posting my unedited thoughts from when I saw New Moon in the theatre. I will endure TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE soon…
Anyway here is the original article, from which I originally posted on Facebook:
I took a notebook with me to ‘Twilight New Moon’.
These are my notes completely unedited that I took while watching the movie.
SPOILERS – DUH.
-trailers
-God, I don’t really know what I’m doing here
-Avatar Looks really good
-Movie starts
-Shit effects
-I have no idea what’s going on. Why is there a mirror?
-Ooooh it’s a dream!
-unsubtle teen angst music
-it’s good that she has multicultural friends
-cheesy slow motion
-this dialogue sucks “you give me everything just by breathing”
-The sister is really hot, but she can’t act
-people are laughing at this movie. It’s playing like a comedy.
-Jasper?
-I can’t believe the Romeo and Juliet parallel
-this movie couldn’t be more obvious.
-ooooh look, Edward knows Shakespeare off by heart. Surprise. He really can’t act, why give him Shakespeare! I am embarrassed to be here.
-Bella looks at a painting of Michael sheen, and it sounds like she say’s “is that hair gel?”
-Michael Sheen could do better than this.
-I don’t really know exactly what they are keeping secret? It’s not like they kill anyone.
-“The only thing that hurts me is you” the actors look embarrassed saying these lines, no-wonder they are just terrible.
-zero chemistry.
-this movie is playing like an add for the soundtrack
-“don’t hate the truck”
“you’re looking kind of pale”
-apparently a paper cut is more dramatic than an atom bomb dropping
-even when she gets hurt Edward doesn’t change expression
-I love how in these movies, whenever a doctor is operating/ doing surgery classical music plays in the background.
-This guy, the doc, can actually act.
-goodbye classical music, hello top 30 angsty song #2
-CHANGE EXPRESSION DAMMNIT!
-why did they wait to talk to each other until they got out of the car, was the whole trip to the house just of them in silence?
-The whole theater erupted in laughter when Bella asked Edward to kiss her.
-Track four of angst songs, CANON product placement and bella scrapbooking.
-Montage.
-song is good
-oh the angst. So so angsty.
-edward is standing in the middle of NOWHERE. Such a poser.
-what is with this movie? is the only place people talk to eachother in the the middle of the woods, I suppose nowhere else is private enough.
-He still hasn’t changed expression.
-He said “nothing” five times in that sentence.
-When he does that stupid eyebrow crossing thing, it only looks like he is struggling to remember his lines. But they are so crap:
-people are laughing at this.
“you don’t want me?”
“no”
“if it’s not too much to ask…”
This film is playing like a comedy. Kristen stewart is trying really really hard.
-the music is so soap opera like young and the restless.
-eyebrow acting is good
-Bella searches the woods.
-why doesn’t she just check his house?
-oops she fell over, what a clutz!
-Get on with it.
-people are laughing at her
I love native American stereotypes in movies. They never wear shirts, and always make these silly little crafty things.
-so yeah, nothing suspicious at all about a half naked native American carrying a passed out white girl out of the woods in the middle of the night right into a group of cops.
“theres a possibility” Bella is sad. Months pass. Top 30 teen angst song playing.
-Voiceover “when you left…and he left…you took everything with you. The absence of him is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole has been punched in my chest”
-Just like nails on a chalkboard.
-Bella screaming in bed reminds me of trainspotting. It’s like Edward is heroin. This is just bad.
-This girl is a crazy stalker, does she not have anything in her life whatsoever? Heres a woman that needs nothing but a man. Misogyny. Sexist.
“shopping” – are you serious? Right after I was thinking about sexism.
-cue angst song # 100.
-hahah they just watched a zombie movie. Self referential. They are talking about self referential material, while being self referential – good writing.(sarcasm)
-“keep walking” When Edward appeared in a vision the whole theater was in stiches. There are some crazy bitches up in the back of the theater that are laughing at everything. Every line. Cool.
-“turn around” – those girls laughed for maybe a minute straight. Along with the rest of the theater. This is bad.
-this old guy hitting on Bella is less creepy than Edward, because Edward is 100
-bike chase, because nothing at all has happened.
-nope not really a bike chase.
-why did the friend still wait for bella after she had driven off?
-“homeboys”
-“You’re an adrenaline Junkie?” oh great. “If a rush is what it takes to see him…” God I just hate bella. Useless person. Role model?
-of course she needs a man to help her out again.
-this guy really can’t act at all.
-How does a werewolf have pearly white teeth?
“you’re like buff”
“age is just a number”
who writes this shit?
“this song on the radio is really good” – Are you serious? The product placement here is evil. “no more music” if that’s true I’d be happy.
-bella is actually kind of a bitch.
“my boys” when the pack of dudes said their unpronounceable names, everyone laughed. How can any film-maker take this so seriously?
-one of these cardboard cutouts said “BURN!” f*&k!
-now they are fighting. This is not story.
New song: “all the astronauts share paper cups”?? what the hell does this song have to do with anything?
-voice over – “he makes me feel better…he makes me feel alive…that hole in my chest, it’s like it’s almost healed” this voice over explains everything like a sledgehammer explains face breaking.
It’s like Edward being gone is the end of the world, even though everyone has seen enough movies to know they end up together.
-I don’t understand the period of time this movie is taking place over.
-the actor playing the dad, is doing surprisingly well considering the material/dialogue
-no one looks at the road while driving.
-“mad skillz” – you got to be kidding me.
-this is cringeworthy.
Cool kids throw each other off cliff tops. Because nobody else could see this except bella in a car driving by.
-I don’t care. What is going on!? Is there a plot at all?
-im surprised by the amount of laughter going on. These visions of edward are just ridiculous.
-edward asks her to stop, when she hasn’t even started.
-bullshit, at that speed, she would have come to a gentle stop. I think they are trying to say that women shouldn’t operate machinery.
-the whole shirt. When he took it off. The audience was crying with laughter. This movie is not subtle.
-back at high school
-token asian guy is lame
“love spelt backwards is love”
“facepunch”
that’s an even worse title than new moon, which I don’t really know why this is called that.
-this movie night with bella scene is disgusting. Bella Is cringeworthy. “I heard facepunch sucks” yeah just like this movie.
Bella is a bitch.
-now they are watching a bad movie. It’s crazy how meta this movie is trying to be.
-I’ve never heard anyone call someone else a “marshmallow” but Jacob just did. Dickhead.
-that other guy is in the bathroom right?
“you think I’m sorta beautiful
“don’t do this”
“why?”
“love only ruins everything”
“yeah well we got loads of time”
“I wont give up”
“I don’t want you to”
how does an adult originate this shit!?!??!
This is atrocious. I suppose its impossible to say no to a man when you are a woman, this movie is sexist and misogynist more than anything I’ve seen in a long time.
Jacob is an asshole. He can’t act angry. It just comes across as a a toddler tantrum, the actor is clearly a pussy. Lifting weights is not the same as actually being in a fight.
Wow. Character development through a voicemail message. I think the screenwriter is trying to prove that they can make each scene more painful than the last.
GIVE ME SOME CONFLICT ALREADY! Nothing has happened this entire film.
-more of this shirtless bullshit.- more laughter
-I want to walk out.
-they might as well have done the whole scene close up on his abs.
He really truly can’t act.
-forget actually writing drama. Just have people yell irrelevant things at each other in the rain such as: “you cut your hair!.” Pump the soundtrack. Done.
God each scene is worse than the last. I can’t believe people like this stuff as much as they do.
For over an hour now, nothing vampire related has happened.
This movie looks like a studio movie. So plain and boring.
“without jake I can’t stand it.” This shit with them lying in flowers is god awful.
The voice over explains everything.
How many shots of them lying in flowers do you need?
-hey it’s a Jamaican, with horrible make up. Dreadlocks and blazing red eyes. Where’s the reggae?
More visions! And bella can actually talk to them.
I have no idea what these guys are talking about.
The worewolves look fake – reminds me of animorphs.
-pissed off that they can transform in the sun. Whats wrong with the full moon idea, this is the most lazy half assed piece of writing I’ve ever seen. It’s bad enough what is being done to vampires, but werewolves too? Offended.
-Jacob is a Douchebag. If that was pulled in reality…
-spiderman! People laughed harder here than anything before.
-he says he can’t explain who he is.
-its so bloody obvious to everyone. Bella must be an idiot if she can’t figure it out yet.
-is there a story?
Whats going on?
-it seem like there is no end in sight at all.
“There is not anything I could ever run from, but I could run away with you”
what a truly awful line, it’s obvious bella.
People laughed when Jacob ran off into the woods.
This movie is just hilarious. It’s like a jim carrey or a will Ferrell movie in here.
-she seriously needed to ask Jacob if he was a werewolf!? F*&$ING HELL! The audience is one hundred kilometers ahead of these characters. It’s just insulting.
I guess it’s so that 6 years old can understand this – they are probably the core audience. Nothing adult at all has happened.
-nothing adult.
-man these guys in the wolf pack can’t act.
Im am so annoyed at this bella being an idiot thing, I can’t believe she actually had TO SEE Jacob transform before she could figure it out. She’s read less than Stephanie meyer, if that’s possible.
-not a smart cookie
“I guess the wolf is out of the bag” ugh.
There is no story. The people I’m with really want to leave.
So do I.
-this movie is ridiculous. They even give other women in the movie horrific scars. It’s almost gay porn. Even a hot woman doesn’t have a chance.
-those muffins are huge, holy shit. – that was the most exciting thing in this whole movie so far. Those muffins are massive/
-no one can act.
This is playing like a comedy still.
-now they are on a beach.
“this is not a lifestyle choice”
“it’s not what you do It’s who you are”
go and fuck yourself. You can change at will. Just never change, and leave town. The werewolves are even more a bunch of pussies than the vampires. If anyone carried a gun, or such things as vampire hunters existed in this world, all of them could be taken out easily.
-all that’s happening in this movie, is spoilt kids crying about how bad their good life is.
-it’s so bad.
-so the werewolves can’t touch the cullens? Why the hell do we care? They keep on talking about someone called Victoria, why can’t we at least see one scene with her instead of 55 minutes nothingness. Of void.
-jacob says: “you’re lack of confidence is insulting” I feel like he is talking right to me.
-voiceover: “I’m so alone, all the time. Jacob’s gone…” cue angsty music. Man this voiceover is cheesy and not needed.
-Bad movies need a song to force you into feeling a specific emotion. This movie is no exception.
-I think Victoria is on screen. I don’t really know why, who or what the story with her is/ if there is one. But they said before she was a redhead so I’m assuming it’s Victoria/ I guess that helps.
-The matrix meets werewolves. The effects are funny.
-Slow motion/ speed up.
-I don’t even know this old guys name, why do I care that he is dead. Thanks for the song for that emotion…i wouldn’t have felt it otherwise.
- What werewolves cant swim? But they can jump off cliffs into water and stand shirtless in the rain non-stop? It’s like a child wrote this.
-holy shit. I can’t believe this. Bella is drowning in slow motion. EDWARD – (can’t read this part – it’s just scribbles and exclamation marks) – …top 30 song. This is probably the worst moment in cinema I’ve ever seen.
-no wait, now’s theres a shirtless guy who was a second ago a werewolf, walking around in pants. Where did he get pants?
-men need to save her all the time. Everything she does is dependent on men. Sexist b/s.
-Why is there another scene with a man driving her own car for her.
-is this going anywhere?
-I feel like I’ve been in here all day. Nothing at all has happened in this movie. There’s not even any girls to look at. Just dudes with shirts off.
-jacob and bella…and the cullen sister, name? Hot. Great.
-Bella is an absolute idiot. An idiot.
-the abs are getting too much.
-people are laughing like mad.
-in this movie Kristen Stewart is a terrible actress.
-jacob is just a thinly veiled rip off of the hulk “don’t make me angry”
-what is the fucking point of this? This is yet another pointless scene. Hurry up.
-this might be the worst film I have ever seen in a theater.
-Jacob said something before he kissed Bella, but I couldn’t make it out because people were laughing that hard.
-haha, people laughed even harder at Edwards little tantrum in italy.
-Has anyone read Shakespeare? it’s one thing to not acknowledge vampire stories, but to blatantly rip off Shakespeare…there is no shame.
-After an hour and a half Something happens.
-Everyone should only fly virgin, thanks to this shameless product placement.
-Fuck, I wouldn’t know this was italy unless someone was driving a yellow convertible. Blatant. Offensive.
-Michael Sheen is good in this.
-Edward still can’t make an expression. Why is bella so crazy for this guy?
-here we go again with the whole diamond skin thing. I’ve said it before, if I saw a guy sparkling in the sun, my first thought wouldn’t be: ‘vampire’
-Italy is beautiful, but this movie wrecks it like Rush hour 3 did to Paris, how can you go to one of the most beautiful places and shoot it like crap.
-Everyone wearing red is a dumb idea.
-none of the extras even look Italian.
-of course Edward needs to take his shirt off in super slow motion. Everyone in the theater laughed.
-The only woman not wearing red, is bella. She runs across a fountain, splashing everywhere. Nobody notices except for a six year old girl. That’s kind of indicative of this whole franchise.
-Edward is captain obvious. Everything thing he says is an observation. “she is human” Boring.
-this movie is making me physically sick.
I can’t believe people like this.
This is amazingly sexist, cheesy and atrociously made.
-Dakota Fanning! I suppose she wanted a holiday in italy.
-Not even vampires talk in elevators. Finally something relatable.
-the receptionist is hot, but I don’t get why she is a human.
-why do the vampires even need to be in italy? I don’t understand. What are they trying to say? It can’t be as simple as a Vatican/ Christianity reference can it? That would just be so obvious and easy/
-this series has probably killed vampires for good.
What ever happened to;
-coffins
-garlic
-stakes
-neck biting
-fangs
-burning up in the sun
-vampire hunters
-turning into bats
All we have is this telepathic bulls*&t. It’s messed up. If twilight had any of the cool vampire things it might have had a shot at being decent.
-They don’t really go into werewolves much, but I think they have ruined them too. No full moon, no silver bullets. These guys can even transform in the sunlight and at will.
-F&*k this franchise.
-the action is horrendous. No tension. It’s just 300 for little girls. It’s always the same thing in movies these days, why put us through so much fake tension when WE KNOW the characters aren’t going to die.
-fu*&^ing hell!
-Edward has no characteristics. Why would Bella want to sacrifice herself for him? I mean they haven’t even fucked yet. This movie is just misogynistic to such a huge level.
-the reasons given for the vampires not killing Edward are retarted/ This is the worst scene in the whole movie so far.
-HAHAH I can’t believe they just zoomed into someones eyeball to reveal a fantasy! It’s Bella and Edward running in super slowmotion . This is gratuitous. It HAS to be a joke. Everyone died in laughter.
-why do they take everything in the movie so seriously. Its so awful.
-every line the vampires had was laughed at.
Every other vampire except michael sheen can’t act.
-I can’t believe how little story there is in this film.
It’s still pretty creepy that he’s 100 and she’s 17.
-the dad is awesome. He should have been in it more.
-okay just end already!
-there are serious misogynistic undercurrents here with Bella wanting Edward to change her. Only a man can change her, not a woman. Amazing sexism.
-The blonde cullen girl who votes “no” is a horrendous actress.
-the rest all vote ‘yes’ and I don’t really know why they do.
-Edward is a tosser.
-Cue top 30 song to make you buy the soundtrack.
-cue voiceover.
-haha jacob’s standing smack bang in the middle of the road. He must have been standing there for a while. How did he know they would come? they were just in italy for f*&ks sake.
-this film wont end.
-whats with discussions in this movie, having to wait until the people get all the way into the middle of the woods before they begin to talk.
-Jacob says: “it’s my turn to talk” Just get to the chase a**hole. Man they could have edited so much of this useless stuff out.
-this stupid truce is convenient and lame.
-poor Kristen stewart, she needs better material.
-oh f*&k, another fight? God.
-“you can’t hurt each other without hurting me” godawful.
-the wolf cries in another agonizing moment. Bella can’t cry.
-“I can’t do this alone” man this scene better be the last…so awful.
-its really stretched, outstaying welcome.
-“you’re so stubborn” no I wont walk out.
-“what are you waiting for?” I’m wating for the end damnit.
-“I have one condition if you want me to do it myself”
-He’s gonna say it…
-“marry me”
The entire theater groaned.
Credits.
Probably the worst film I’ve ever seen in the cinema.
PussADD
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